"Best Served Cold-Blooded"

Written and Directed by:
Paul Burton.
Fiction by: Paul Burton and Anthony Hummerston.
STARRING:

Rojic,   Jimmi,   Karnov,   Niall,   Kory,   Mama
And special guest stars:
Hen3ry , Joe-9T, Henry and 'Blinkie.'
as the droids.

AND
Storm Cutter
their patched-up wreckage.
AND
The return of Mister Tuun, as the kindly homicidal hunting emporium owner.

Back on Coruscant, Mama is waiting on the ramp of Storm Cutter. Rojic is fluttering nearby. Karnov is glowering at him, watching his every wing beat and frown.

“It may have worked last time, but not here.” Karnov tells Rojic. “When you’re a guest, you don’t mess in the nest.” She continues. Rojic looks crestfallen. He pleads in vain. “But the things I could do with a bulk-loading droid in a busy spaceport!”

“Precisely. That’s why you’re not doing it!”

Really riled now, Rojic gives full vent to his feelings.

“Karking Jedi-wannadoo poodoo!”

“Keep cursing, it won’t do you any good, coz I don’t speak Huttese!” Karnov replies.

Rojic does just that. “Grabba-dabba addittola, ratii-ona doo slipso next-doora, mina droidsa. –Karking droidsa!”

Karnov tries to ignore him. “Just keep shouting, little housefly. I’m watching you like a hawk!” Karnov thinks for a second. “Or better still, like a Nexu. –They’ve got four eyes!”

“Actually I’ve been thinking about that….” Niall interrupts, approaching the ship. “How so?” Karnov asks, not even turning around. Rojic squirms under her watchful gaze.

“Well, we’re many things, but we’re no hunters.” Niall continues.

“Your point being?”

“Well it’s all very well going bagging a Nexu or three, but they’re one of the galaxy’s most notoriously fierce creatures. The thing is that we’ve got no real experience. –We could do with an edge at least.”

“Use a lightsabre, that’s got a sharp edge.” Rojic says, hoping to distract Karnov. Karnov is not being distracted. Rojic tries again. “I’ll give Karnov the edge….Let me just whet my pocket knife a little!”

Kory wanders up. “I’ve secured a cargo. You’re off to the rim, so high-tech goods, machine parts, droid spares and suchlike will be pretty easy to shift.”

“Thanks, Kory.” Niall says.

“No problem. I mananged to sweet-talk the dealer into submission.”

“More like sweet-lip.”

“Sweet-lips, sweet-tooth, sweetbriar, all the same to us!” Jimmi says, joining them.

“Talking of sweets and things, that reminds me. The fridge light is –or rather was- the last of its line. No chance of saving it is there?”

“No.”

They all look sad for a minute. Rojic starts to ask a question. “No chance of powering it from the remaining dark-side crystals then? Only….”

“No! No dark-side crystals! What a stupid thought! –Dark side crystals in the fridge. Whatever next?”

Jimmi tells them, “You open the fridge for some nice chilled Spätburgunder Rotling, and suddenly someone says ‘Zool!’”

Niall tries to steer the conversation back to the subject in hand. “For a hunting trip, we might just need a bit of advice.”

“How so?”

“Coz we don’t know what we’re doing. -I was thinking we might call in on an old friend.”

“Friend?” Rojic asks.

“Okay, business partner. I was thinking of stopping by ‘Dosha, and Mister Tuun. -He’s the only person in the galaxy that I know that knows more than us on the subject of big game hunting.”

“Actually the ship’s cat knows more about hunting,” Mama adds, “-And it’s been dead since thirty-seven B.B.Y!”

Rojic repeats his question. “Friend?”

“Okay, I was hoping he’d have forgotten that by now….Besides, we owe him five hundred credits for securing those Krayt dragon eggs the other week.”

“‘Dosha?” Mama asks, “Do you mean Trandosha?”

“Yeah, that’s what the locals call Trandosha.”

“Locals? Does that mean that you’re a native of those parts?”

“Maybe so, maybe not.”

Mama is indignant. “But we’ve not got a cargo for Trandosha!”

“No matter, it’s only a stop-off. We need advice, guns and something to help us bag a few Nexu. –Also something to put them in when we’ve got ‘em.”

There is a pause while they think about this.

Karnov’s mind has wandered somewhat. “I think I need epaulets.” She says, thinking aloud.

“I’ve got just the thing inside….” Rojic offers, “Brillo pads. We can spray ‘em gold, and stick them on with superglue. I can even do you a set for your yummi-sushi pyjamas if you’d like.”

“Yeah, that way if you start sleepwalking, you can get to work on the washing up at the same time!” Rojic starts to fly off. Karnov brings him up short.

“You’re going nowhere! –Not unless I can watch every thought, every breath, every movement.” She tells him. Rojic flutters with a pained expression on his face. “Movement!” Rojic says.

“What?” Karnov asks.

“I’m off to the head!”

“Okay. But that transceiver stays with me. You’re not coercing the droids into stealing from the other ships.”

Rojic hands over the device pinned to his waistcoat.

“-And the other one.”

Rojic hands over the one on the inside of the waistcoat.

“-And the other three!”

Rojic is really cross. “Poodoo!” He exclaims, handing them over.

“Off you go then!” Karnov smiles sweetly at him. “You can have these back at the end of the day.”

Rojic sulks. He flutters off dejectedly. “You’ve changed!” He yells over his shoulder.

“Damn straight!” Karnov shouts back. Rojic disappears into Storm Cutter. Karnov repeats to herself. “Damn straight!”

Finally the loading droids have finished. “All aboard!” Mama calls. Kory doesn’t move. The others make their way past the sofa on the loading ramp. Niall turns back to her. “Not coming with us, K?”

“No. Not this time. I’ve got a few loose ends to tie up. A girl can have a lot of fun down below….” Niall’s eyes shoot to his hairline. Kory correct herself. “In the under-city! Deals to be done, trading to do, traders to swindle!”

“No problem. But take care of yourself.” Niall tells her, almost adding, “That’s what you’re best at isn’t it?” Instead he grins weakly.

“Bye-bye. –And may the force be with you….” Kory waves. Under her breath, she adds, “Sweetie!”

Niall turns in his heel. In a dramatic scene, he wants to smoothly ascend the ramp as it closes. In the background, we can see Mama pressing the button. She presses it again. In the end, she thumps it and the ramp ascends rather jerkily, spoiling the effect!

Inside, Rojic is enthusing about their new cargo. “Look at this stuff!” He has opened a crate and holds up the contents. “Xesh-Box one-eighty! ZX-22 B.B.Y!”

“The very latest model! Oooh! Genuine ‘Яoxel’ watches, and second-rate Apple branded stuff!”

Niall is not having any part in crooning over the latest gizmos in the hold. “Ready?” He asks Mama.

“I’m okay to take a back-seat for a while. Besides, I think I need to take a week or two to get the pilot’s seat settings back to where they should be.”

“No problem. I’ll take her up. I’m not such a bad pilot myself!”

Niall closes the door. “Are we going to say anything to Karnov about the stunt Rojic’s pulled?”

Mama feigns innocence. “Stunt?”

“I think you know as well as I do Mama. –Go over what he said during his little hissy-fit.”

Mama is rumbled. “Okay, so I let it slide. So long as Karnov doesn’t suspect, I’m okay with letting him think that he’s gotten away with it!”

Niall asks, “So….?”

“So….I can blackmail him with it. A quarter cut sounds good to me. A tenth of the effort for a quarter of the profit!”

Niall considers. Then says, “I could tell Karnov myself. –Then I’d be in for a cut.”

“I wouldn’t pay you, Niall.”

“No?”

“No. I’d shoot you. I don’t need competition.”

“Go ahead and try.”

“We need some colour around here. Battleship grey is so twenty-five B.B.Y!” Mama says. Niall merely shrugs.

Storm Cutter lifts into the evening sun, and smoothly ascends into the clouds, and off into space. Rojic dives into engineering. He holds the door open. “Listen to that hyper-drive hum!”

“We can’t hear anything.”

“That’s because I haven’t engaged it yet! –Stupid!” Niall eases on the lever, and the hyper-drive does indeed hum. “Listen to it purr! Just like a contented Nexu. – All dosed up on penicillin!”

Karnov pales. “I heard that penicillin kills Jedi!”

“In that case, the first mouldy cheese will wipe out the whole Jedi order!” Rojic says with a smirk. Karnov glowers at him. Rojic disappears. A squeaky noise has attracted his attention. “What’s that sound?”

“Nothing?”

“But I heard it. ‘Squeak, squeak, squeak!’”

He moves off again. Hen3ry follows. When Rojic stops, the squeaking stops.

“I know its not Hen3ry. I went over every moving part. Adjusting, oiling and easing. There’s not a squeak in his metal case!” Rojic tells them. He sets off again. “Squeak, squeak, squeak!” Goes the noise. Rojic looks puzzled. “I can’t understand it!”

Stop. Start. “Squeak!” Rojic goes through the whole exercise again and again. In the end, he vows to take every last component of Hen3ry apart, and try to locate the annoying noise. When he has gone, the others fall about laughing. “Fancy Joe-9T finding that squeak sound clip, and running it through Hen3ry’s vocal output!”

“When shall we tell Rojic?”

“When he’s disassembled the droid, and put it back together a few times…..”

“Not the first time?”

“Nahh! -I was thinking about the tenth….Hen3ry needs the maintenance!”

Just under sixteen hours later, Niall Nods to Mama, who cuts in the sub-light engines. The long streaks of hyperspace become stars once more, and they emerge in the Kashyyyk system, and traverse the solar disc toward Trandosha. The planet of Kashyyyk gleams lush and verdant beneath their starboard side. Then the dirty-brown and dusty world of Trandosha comes into view. “No wonder the Trandoshans want to take over Kashyyyk!”

“Maybe we could help them. I’ve no feelings either way for the Wookiees.”

Niall is shocked. He looks at Mama. “The Wookiees are an ancient, noble and proud race.” Rojic comes onto the bridge. “Therefore, they’re ripe for exploitation!”

Niall can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You two are so mercenary!”

Mama and Rojic bump fists. “Yup! What a team!”

In a swirl of dust and grit, Storm Cutter puts down. As the engines spin down, everyone changes into desert-wear clothes. Karnov is heavily wrapped against the arid atmosphere. “I learned a valuable lesson last time we were here.” She says, pragmatically. Rojic breezes by. “Cool suit, Karnov!”

“Thanks. It’s all the rage on Tatooine.”

“Where’d you get it?”

“It was in a box of stuff that the Tusken left.”

“Too bad if we ever need a bandage in a hurry!” Niall says. “Ready?”

“Let’s go people!”

They troop down the ramp into a hot, dry afternoon. A short while later they cross a dusty plaza and approach Mister Tuun’s shop. A gleaming new sign looks at odds with the mud-brick walls and dusty glazing. The sign reads, ‘Tuun's Wonderful Hunting Emporium.’

Eyes follow our heroes across the plaza. Bodies stir; a rusty windmill turns and grates as it does so. A fly troubles a local hoodlum. The town holds its breath. Mister Tuun turns off the holo-vision screen, and eyes his customers approaching with disdain.

“You know, this town needs something.” Jimmi says, tapping with the white stick.

“What’s that?” Mama asks.

“A drop of rain.”

“I think a tsunami wouldn’t go amiss.” She counters.

Rojic tells them, “Of course with a proper weather satellite system, one could make it rinse the streets once per day.”

“Yeah, it’d wash the scum off the streets.” Karnov says, dragging her feet in the dust.

“And the scum that walk the streets.” Rojic replies.

Presently they arrive at the store. “I hope he’s remembered us.”

“Actually, I’m hoping that he’s forgotten us!” They push through the doors, and stand in the shop. A Rodian girl indicates their presence to Tuun, who turns around to look scornfully at the gang.

“You!” He seethes.

“Nope, he hasn’t forgotten.” Niall says with a sigh.

Mama pushes forward. “Let me handle this!”

“Be my guest.”

“Now, you must be Mister Tuun. You don’t know me, but you know my companions here, so at least we have one thing in common.”

“I hate them.” Tuun seethes through his face mask.

“Okay….So we have two things in common!”

Something in Tunn’s eyes shows his demeanour softening somewhat. Mama puts her hand on his arm. – His shooting arm. “We need some equipment. –And advice. –And we’ve come halfway across the galaxy, across the great fold, just to seek you out. We chose to come to you, because you’re the best in the business.”

“Er….Thanks.” Tunn replies, slightly wrong-footed.

Niall explains. “We’re going after a Nexu. –Possibly a few. We want to take ‘em alive. Then we’ll transport them to New Plympto, to pay a debt that we owe.”

Karnov adds. “We’ll need tranquiliser guns, darts, cages, stun batons and the like.”

“Well, I’ve got all those things.” Tunn admits.

Mama takes charge once again. “Good. Load them up. We’ve got a list. It’s in Karnov’s head.” She turns to Rojic. “Pay the man!”

Rojic boggles at her chutzpah. “Why aren’t you paying?”

“I’m like the queen: I don’t carry money.”

“That’s simply for security reasons.”

“Well I’m securely broke. Now pay the man and we can be off this dog’s-ass of a world. I wouldn't even bring my robot-dog here.”

Karnov steps in before Tuun can take any more offence. “Actually, we were thinking of sale-or-return. Or we could trade a twenty-five year holiday let on a nice beach-house on Alderaan.”

Tunn regains his business head. “Cash only.”

“What about….”

Master Yoda Master Card?

“Cold hard credits.” Tunn interrupts, holding out his hand.

Karnov nudges Niall. “Actually there was a reward for turning those Krayt dragon eggs in to the Republic.”

Karnov digs into a wallet. “Yeah its’ a f….”

Rojic flies in front of Karnov, and interrupts. “....Few credits short of a hundred. –But seeing as you’re a friend and all, we’ll let you have the whole hundred.”

Karnov pushed Rojic aside.

“Five hundred.” She says quite firmly.

Rojic is eager to continue the ruse, even though Karnov’s honesty has blown it right open. “Five? I’m sure it was three.”

“Five hundred.” Karnov re-iterates.

“Sure?”

“Quite sure. -Unless you want to discuss it outside?” Karnov’s hand rests on her hip, just an inch from her lightsabre.

Rojic is defeated, but still tries to wriggle. “But we’ve come halfway across the galaxy to bring mister Tuun’s money. Hyperspace fuel doesn’t grow on trees you know!”

Mama wades in. “No. It floats around in clouds. -And It’s my ship, my fuel, and you’ve not even started to pay the rental on it for the last few months. So be a nice Toydarian and pay up!”

“Caga tió” Rojic growls, swearing in his best swearing language.

With Rojic handing over money, Tuun’s mood improves. “Two thousand credits. That’ll be enough for guns, tranquilisers, cages and ‘sund. Explns.’”

“What are ‘Sund. Explns?’”

“That’s the part that you pay for the privilege of paying.” Rojic informs the others. After some hard bargaining, they whittle the price down to fourteen hundred. “That’s friend rates.” Tuun tells them.

“What about enemy rates?”

“Enemy rates is half that, plus I get to keep anything I pull from your cold, dead fingers.”

“Okay!”

“Tea?” Tunn asks.

Karnov is quick to be dismissive. “No thanks. We’re here to trade.”

Mama jabs her in the ribs. “This is part of trading.” She smiles at Tuun. “Thanks. Tea would be nice.”

“I once had a funny turn drinking tea…..” Niall says.

Jimmi asks, “Who was that princess? She was beautiful!”

Niall thinks wistfully. In the end, he says, “I never knew, but at least I got a blue carbuncle out of it.”

“Well that’s what happens when you start carrying-on with strange alien princesses!”

Karnov manages to get in a jibe. “But I’m sure a dose of strong antibiotics will sort it out.”

Tuun’s Rodian apprentice girl hands out tea. She hasn’t got a speaking part yet, so remains silent.

Karnov starts to relax. She makes polite conversation with Tuun, and asks, “What can you tell us about these creatures?”

“They’ve got a fierce temperament.. Big fangs…. Four eyes….”

“Who are you calling four eyes? -Mask-mouth!”

“No. The Nexu have four eyes.”

“Oh. Sorry. No offence.” Karnov back-pedals furiously.

“Not much taken.”

Tunn continues, “They have infra-vision. They’re carnivorous. They’re arboreal.”

You mean they eat trees?”

“No. They might sharpen their fangs and claws on them after a particularly satisfying meal.”

“Sounds like that Twi’lek girl that Niall knew!”

Niall opens his mouth to object.

“‘Course, what Niall does with girls in the privacy of his cabin….” Rojic says, stroking at the gem-studded transceiver on his waistcoat, “Is between him and the girl…..And thirty four billion hits on Usk-Tube!”

Joe-9T prompts for more information. “Anything else, Mister Tuun?”

“The Nexu are usually quite close-knit in family groups. Taking one will normally enrage the others. They’ll defend their family to the death.”

“Best throw in some extra tranquilliser darts then.”

Jimmi asks. “How long does the toxin take?”

Karnov plays out the scene. “Think….Grrr! Grrr! Bang! Tranquility….Grrr! Grrr! Bad stuff happening…..Still bad stuff happening….Ugh! –Out cold!”

“Sounds like Kory on a date!”

“Oh!” Tunn says, remembering something, “Also they don’t eat cold meat. In fact, if it’s still wriggling, they like it all the better. It’s the tang of fear.”

“We’re still talking about Kory, right?”

Mister Tuun raises his cup. “To business!”

“To….” There is a crash and a thud. All of a sudden everyone is forgetting their tea, and diving for cover. “Tea’s not that bad, is it?” Rojic asks from the top left hand corner of the room. There is a loud, but dull thud, and a blast of heat and force. The thermal detonator in the centre of the room has exploded!

“A polite ‘no thankyou’ would have sufficed!” Tuun says, but everyone else’s ears are still ringing with the blast. A few seconds later, several rough-looking aliens come storming through the remains of the shopfront. Picking their way expertly over the rubble are Gamorreans, Nikto and behind them a few Trandoshans. One of which is chuckling in a chillingly familiar laugh.

“I’d know that laugh anywhere,” Niall gasps, spinning around, “Even though I’ve never met him!” Sure enough, behind this hired thugs, is the silhouette of their old nemesis Shmeeke! Meantime, two Nikto charge in at Jimmi, who is quickest off the mark. With the power of the force, Jimmi picks up a stanchion, and hurls it like a scythe at the approaching enemies. The iron bar catches them at knee height, and fells them like flimsy reeds. Niall uses the gap to leap to his feet, lightsabre in hand. A vibroscimitar starts its deathly hum, and in a sweeping attack, sails within an inch of his head. Niall adjusts his footing, and knocks the attacker back. The scimitar is raised to defend the startled Trandoshan. Niall gets under the guard of his attacker, and neatly removes an arm! His opponent can only howl in dismay. –It was his fighting arm!

“It’s a perfectly legal move, and howling about it won’t help!”

A Gamorrean oinks something at Karnov, but as it swings its axe, fails to connect with the trainee Jedi. Joe-9T has powered up Sarah-Jane and the heavy blaster obliges by lightly wounding the droid’s opponent. Rojic has flown for cover behind what is left of the chandelier, which is now a bare bulb hanging by a bit of flex. Rojic draws his blaster and shoots at a Nikto, who in turn jumps and tries to grab at the Toydarian. The ceiling is quite high here, and the aggressor moves on to find easier prey. Rojic cannot breathe easy though, as a stray shot catches him. Luckily, most of the other shots are concentrated on Joe-9T, and his nice shiny new paint job! Other shots zip across the room, and despite several narrow escapes, only the young Rodian girl is hit! She swoons a little and ducks behind the remains of the counter. More shots find Mister Tuun, who takes them like a man. –A man in considerable pain that is!

A Nikto has a bead on Karnov, who is going over the battle plan in her head. As the knobbly-headed alien shoots, Karnov senses it coming and neatly sidesteps. The blaster bolt zips on and hits one of the Nikto’s companions! “With friends like these….” Jimmi starts to say, but doesn’t get to complete the sentence. Karnov closes her eyes for a second, sensing the ebb and flow of the skirmish. A Gamorrean sees this, and taking it for weakness, approaches with a very nasty-looking axe. As Karnov’s eyes pop open, she follows with a ‘Thesh’ shaped cut with the lightsabre, and the Gamorrean explodes in a shower of piggy green greebles!

Two Nikto are bearing down upon Tuun, who is being forced back. Shmeeke starts up his own vibro-scimitar, and advances over the bodies of several of his companions. Mama pulls her shot, which screeches wildly across the plaza. The bang of the slug-thrower echoes through the shop, making more dust rain down. At the end of the shot there is a scream. –The Rodian girl has been attacked by several other Nikto, and a tall Neimoidian. –They’ve sneaked into the back of the shop and opened up with all they’ve got!

The tripped-up Nikto are getting to their feet. One slips, and luckily for him, Jimmi’s shot goes over his head. However it is not lost, as a Gamorrean takes the shot full in the chest and falls back dead. Karnov sweeps her lightsabre in a lazy arc, and manages to catch another Gamorrean unawares. Porcine pieces rain to the floor. There is a faint smell of bacon in the air too! Karnov forces another onto the back foot, defending for its piggy life! The sight of one of their companions being made into gammon steaks has rattled the remaining attackers. They reply with a volley of wild shots, which make nothing more than a carbon-scored pattern on the back wall.

Rojic is hiding in the top corner of the room, nervously trying to avoid being noticed. Tuun and his Rodian assistant are not faring too well, as several shots slam into them. Joe-9T has got Sarah-Jane nicely warmed-up, and lets-fly with a volley of shots. Another Gamorrean goes down under the onslaught; a second is also badly wounded. Joe-9T’s impassive face hides the elation that he’s feeling. The Neimoidian is coming up behind the Rodian girl, whose hold-out blaster is not making much headway in this fight. Jimmi senses the danger, and uses an old ventriloquist trick, and is heard to intone “Behind you!” This gives the girl a second to take cover, while the Neimoidian turns to Jimmi. “Yes! I’m behind you!”

Niall and Shmeeke are trading blows, though it is feint and counter blow, dodge and parry. Neither has made a telling blow. Neither has 2d6 limbs to lose either! In fact, Shmeeke is almost a match in skill for Niall! Mama’s gun roars again over the muted sounds of blaster fire. A Nikto henchman slumps down. Rojic follows suit, and bags a bad guy. The Neimoidian has regained his momentum, and neatly sidesteps, bringing him level with the counter. As the Rodian girl pops up to shoot, she is blasted full force, sending her reeling onto her back, her life hanging by a thread! This spurs on Joe-9T, who spies a Nikto making a run for it. He swings around Sarah-Jane and opens up at the thug, who is blown forward with the blast. The scene is repeated as the Neimoidian opens up at Joe-9T’s exposed back. A halo of hot plasma does nothing for Joe-9T’s paint, nor his temper. He opens up on the new aggressors at the back of the shop, cutting through them with ease.

The Rodian girl is on her very last gasp. Her life is flashing before her. Instead of playing dead, she summons some inner strength, and bravely stands up. A step later, she has the hold-out blaster at the Neimoidian’s head. She doesn’t have the strength to warn him to ‘dodge this!’ before shooting him in the temple! The tall alien slumps silently to the floor. The little scene has spurred on Shmeeke, who has caught this out of the corner of his eye. He only half feints, jabs at Niall, who leans back out of the reach of the scimitar. Shmeeke growls hideously. The toothy grin remains on his face as Niall counter-attacks. Locked hilt-to hilt, they glower at one another. Niall tries a fade-left, but is blocked. He pushes, but Shmeeke pushes back. Niall pushes harder, the Trandoshan’s strength is beginning to gain ground. Niall stops resisting and suddenly steps back. Shmeeke closes in, suddenly accelerating. The lightsabre comes up. In an instant, Shmeeke’s body parts arrange themselves in a neat pile at Niall’s feet!

“Hung out to dry, and quartered!” Rojic crows from his vantage point.

Some sneaky Nikto are trying to flank Karnov. She’s having none of it though, and forces them back. One of them takes a wrong turn, and this enables Master Tuun to step up upon a chunk of rubble and neatly slice a head from a body with the vibro-blade. Nikto blood fountains to the ceiling, making Rojic squirm out of the way. It’s not as random as a blaster, but not as clumsy either. It’s an inelegant weapon for a less civilised age. The head rolls to lie beside that of Smeeke’s. The remaining bad guys waver. Another roar from Mama’s gun is like a starting pistol, and they turn to flee.

There are a few seconds to pause and regroup as the remains of Shmeeke’s gang make a run for it. Something catches Rojic’s eye. From the back room emerge a squad of battle droids. They cover our heroes with their guns, and descend upon the fallen Neimoidian. The waving guns indicate that Rojic and the gang are not to interfere.

“We’re only here for the master.” One of them drones in it’s metallic voice.

“Let him have it!” Is the response that follows.

The droids are only interested in rescuing their master, and their shots only serve to keep our heroes back. They take enough damage to fell several battle droids, but these are made of sterner stuff! A few more covering shots, and the droids start to withdraw. Joe-9T is all for carrying on. He slams a fresh power-pack into Sarah-Jane. “We need to finish him off!” He tells the others.

“We need to bring him to justice.” Karnov counters.

“That’s what I said!” Joe-9T reiterates. Karnov can see the way that this is going.

“This won't help! Hey! Save your strength. There'll be another time! He can’t run forever. The Rodian…. You have to take care of her. You hear me? Huh?”

Joe-9T is eager to take the fight to the enemy, but respects Karnov’s wishes. Reluctantly he lowers the gun, and steps forward. In strong arms, he gently scoops the injured Rodian girl into his arms. Bringing her to Karnov, he stands there impassively. Karnov lays a hand on the girl. “You did a brave thing there, little one.”

She smiles her thanks, too weak to do more. “What is your name, little one?” Karnov asks, quietly.

“Neela.”

“Well sit up, Neela.” Karnov says gently. The others grin at the irony of this. Karnov does the whole ‘my mind to your mind’ on the girl, and soon she is feeling a little better. Niall and Jimmi tend to her actual wounds. Karnov looks for a level place to lie her down on. There is nowhere. She hands Neela to Joe-9T, who trudges off to the upstairs rooms and her quarters. The others holster their blasters and pick their way through the bodies, the devastation and the rubble. They start counting the heads of the enemy and lining them up with the heads of their allies. “One of theirs, one of theirs, one of ours, one of theirs….Oh no, wait a minute, go back a couple of heads. Oh no, my mistake! Denzel’s had a haircut! -He’s one of theirs!”

Mama looks over the ruins of the shop. The entire shop-front is a pile of rubble, with random body parts sticking out at jaunty angles. One quarter is sprayed in Nikto blood. Cables are sparking and crackling. There is a cloud of dust, which is thinning slowly, and the strong and acrid smell of gunpowder and burnt Tibanna gas. There is a single shard of glass in the remains of the window. She touches it and it crashes to the ground and makes everyone jump. Mama shrugs. She reaches into her pocket and tosses a single credit chip to Tuun. “Sorry about the mess!” She smiles weakly at him. Tuun is too stunned to speak.

Rojic has been systematically looting looking over the bodies. He indicates to Joe-9T to gather weapons and anything useful. As he does so, he spies something glinting in the debris, as he flutters over to it, he finds Mama’s foot descend on it. Try as Rojic might, he can’t budge it.

“I saw it first, Rojic!”

“Well I want it.”

“Then you’ll have to find some credits and buy it from me.”

Rojic is indignant. “You’d do that to a friend? A business partner? A confidant? A partner-in-crime?”

Mama picks up the item. “Even to my own sweet grandmother!”

Rojic pulls a face. He looks like he is going to cry. This reveals a small chink of compassion in Mama’s armour.

“Okay, I’ll give you a fair chance.” She holds up the item. It’s a fancy hold-out blaster with several modifications.

Rojic’s mind is racing. “Scissors, paper, stone?” He suggests.

“Okay! On three.” The others gather around to see this battle of wills.

The two combatants clench fists, glower at one another and then bang them on the counter, kicking up another cloud of dust. Thump. Thump. Thump….. Rojic sees Mama starting to extend her fingers into ‘paper.’ At the last millisecond, he changes his fist into scissors. Grinning at this move, he looks up at her. Smiling in victory, he says “Hand it over!” Mama doesn’t move. Her eyes scan down, Rojic follows them. Her fingers are not in the ‘paper’ gesture, but in one that is universally recognised. That of a gun!

“Blaster beats scissors, Rojic. -Beats everything actually!” Mama tells him.

“Poodoo!” Rojic swears, though in the back of his mind he can see the funny side. He doesn’t let on though.

“Old ‘fringer ruse, that. I’d have thought you’d know it too.”

“I do. I must be getting soft in my old age.” Rojic admits, backing off. Though still smarting from being outwitted, he’s going to have the last laugh. He flutters over the largest remaining chunk of Shmeeke. Mama looks at the hold-out blaster. Rojic takes this opportunity to dive on the piece of the Trandoshan, and pulls a hundred-credit money-stick out of the corpse’s pocket. Disappointed that it isn’t more, he puts a brave face on it. “Win some, lose some.” He says, philosophically.

Mama looks at the custom-made blaster. “I’d call this a win!”

They rescue a few other bits from the defeated gang. Having little need for additional knives, blasters and curiously-shaped pieces of armour, they present them to Tuun. “As reparation.”

Tunn explodes in rage. “That’ll hardly pay for a glazier to look at the window, let alone pay for all the damage!”

Jimmi turns on the charm. “Never mind. We can’t pay you any more, but when we bag a Nexu or six, we’ll let everyone know where the gear came from. -We’ll tell ‘em what a good sport you are.”

Tuun is calmed. His demeanour goes from genocidal to homicidal. “That’s the last time I do a deal like this!” He rages at them.

Karnov is suddenly business-like again. “I’m altering the deal. Take this pink tutu and unicycle and these clown shoes….” Tuun is about to object, but decides against it. “That sounds perfectly…..Reasonable….” He says lamely.

Niall wonders if there was any bounty on Shmeeke. “I wonder if there was any bounty on Shmeeke?” he says.

Tunn turns his attention to this. “I think it will work the other way. When his gang regroup, they’ll put out a bounty on you.”

“Ever wanted to be a wanted man?” Jimmi asks, “Now’s your chance!”

Our heroes make their excuses and leave Tuun to his ruined shop. As they cross the plaza, Karnov looks back. Tuun’s shop sign has been rather damaged in the blast. It reads something rather different now. Hoping that he won’t notice for a few more minutes, Karnov encourages the others to get back to Storm Cutter. “Come on! We’ve got a job to do. A girl’s life is in the balance.”

“Actually it’s a favour for the Republic, in return for patching us up after the Knight’s Move crash in return for us not crashing it into the senate and the Jedi temple…. Kinda quid-pro-quo, pro-quo-pro-quo, et cetera.”

“This deal’s getting worse all the time…..” Karnov growls.

“Pink tutu?” Niall offers.

Karnov takes advantage of Niall’s confusion over her gender. “Thanks! -Don’t mind if I do!”

NEXT THRILLING EPISODE: I'm gonna get you little kitty!

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Footnotes:

Thanks to guest writer and director: Paul Burton.