"Coruscant Underground


Part II"

Directed by:
Paul Burton.
&
Written by:
Anthony Hummerston.

STARRING:

Karnov,   Jimmi,   Niall,   Rojic,    Ta'alan,  Mama
And special guest stars:
Hen3ry , Joe-9T, Trio and 'Blinkie.'
as the droids.
AND
Storm Cutter, their ship, all redecorated in Republic mottled green drab version: 449-1-B.

Mama and her gang are led back to Storm Cutter. Luckily for them, Rojic can reverse-engineer the sentry gun blipper and home in close to the signal.

“Ship, sweet ship!” Mama says, ascending the ramp and looking around. “Bay 1194; hangar 19457, bay 5421, aisle 1797 section D-19, row 5 – on the left.”

They settle down and ease the ship into the sky above the city. “Hen3ry, set the hyperdrive for Florrum.”

Hen3ry doesn’t move.

“Someone’s been messing with the controls.” Mama says, settling into the seat and finding it at the wrong settings, -and indeed width.

“Information: Hen3ry is not at his station.” Joe-9T tells her later.

“What? What’s up with that droid?”

“Nothing. He’s where you left him. On Storm Cutter.”

“Well get him to trundle his little wheels over to the navi-computer!”

“I would, but you’re standing in front of the comm.”

Mama shifts. “Since when was the comm over here?”

“Since you took someone else’s ship.”

Mama looks around. “I thought there was something fishy when we didn’t clamber over the sofa on the way in!”

“Indeed. I suggest you put this ship back before the real owner puts out an APB for it being stolen.”

“Pfft! I’m sure I’ve stolen a few ships in my time.” Mama scoffs.

“Oh?”

“How do you think we got hold of Storm Cutter?”

“You might have run off with a senator’s wife….But I’d like to think you killed a man…. It’s the romantic psychotic killer in me!”

They head back, find their ship and head for Florrum. A few hours later, they emerge from hyperspace and see the dry, dusty, dark disc of the planet before them. They also find superglue on the ‘D’ key.

“Not much life here,” Jimmi says, from memory, “It was once lush and verdant, but wars and over-farming left it a dustbowl. –Even the Republic doesn’t have a listening post here. –Now it’s a haven for a few die-hard moisture farmers and a pirate hang-out.”

Joe-9T reads off the display in front of him. “Information: A single large power source….Speculation: This could be our pirate base.”

Trio says, “You will be careful my love. –My tall, handsome brave assassin droid….” She runs her hands over Joe-9T’s sensors.

“Toast is ready!” Joe-9T says, trying not to be distracted by her wandering hands. “Bake me a bagel, -we’ll be back for supper!”

Florrum Base.

Mama puts Storm Cutter down next to a beaten-up Weequay ‘Flarestar’ transport. It’s a toss-up as to which ship is the more decrepit. They disembark. The whine of the engines spinning down is thankfully drowning the whine of Karnov, who is complaining that every planet they visit is dry, dusty and inhospitable to aquatic life.

“You could go back to Kamino.” Rojic tells her.

“I nearly died on Kamino.”

“Like I said….You could go back to Kamino.”

The thought crosses Karnov’s mind, but she’s not convinced.

“Nah….Besides, it was raining the last time we went!”

A half-dozen Weequay assemble by the entrance to a large bunker cut into the side of the crater. Their leader sports a flying helmet, goggles and a fancy frock coat.

Mama strides forward. “Hello, I’m Mama. We’ve been sent by your cousin….” The last word is hardly out of her mouth before it is replaced by the Weequay leader’s fist!

The surprise and the force of the blow sits Mama down on her backside. –Lucky that it’s well padded, but it does sprain her pride somewhat! This puts Karnov on the offensive. She ignites her lightsabre. Joe-9T takes this as a cue for some senseless violence and swings Sarah-Jane around to cover the gang. The pirate captain backs down.

“Okay! Okay! It’s just that when you mention that Klu-Hun double dealing, stinking, lying, double-crossing, cheating….” He spits out the word “Cousin.” He takes a deep breath and composes himself. “Now put away the laser swords….I can be reasonable….For….”

Jimmi senses the captain’s motive. “For money?”

The captain brightens considerably. “Yes! For money!”

Niall says, “Finally we appear to be talking the same language!”

“I dunno,” Karnov says, “I’ve been wanting to do that to Mama for a long time!”

She glowers at Karnov. “Yeah? You and who’s clone army?”

Niall helps Mama to her feet. It’s quite a feat, what with the weight and all.

“Okay, so now we understand one another….We recently met with your cous….Er….Relative. – He said you might know the whereabouts of two women.”

“I dunno. -I know lots of women.” The captain says.

Niall continues, “A Corellian, or one that dresses as one. –And Balosar. This one is distinctive, what with the diminutive palps and the platinum-blonde hair.” Mama tips up a holo-disc and the image of the two women shimmer in the air.

“I know these two.” The captain says.

“-And?” Rojic prompts.

“And nothing.” The captain says elaborating and yet not elaborating at the same time.

“We can trade information for cash.” Joe-9T says. The captain thinks it over, “So what exactly did my relative tell you?” He asks.

“That we’d receive a warm welcome.” Mama says, pointedly.

“Hmmmmmm………..” The captain considers. He considers quite a bit, hence the use of the extended ellipsis!

Niall waits. In the end he says, “Hondo….It is Hondo isn’t it? Do tell me if we’ve got the wrong….” He searches for a word in one ellipsis and a full stop. “-The wrong….Criminal kingpin.”

“Hondo is right, though I prefer ‘pirate mastermind’ to be honest.” Hondo leads them down a few steps into the hollowed out cavern. This is a proper pirate den. Karnov boggles at all the ill-gotten gains inside.

“What does Klu Hun mean?” Rojic whispers to Joe-9T. The droid tells him, and this turns him a whiter shade of heliotrope and brilliant tangerine.

Hondo paces around. “Credits you say?” He says.

“We have some to spend….On information.” Niall tells him.

“Hmmm….Tell you what, -you can do me a favour.”

“Favour?”

“Not illegal, if that’s what you’re thinking.” Hondo reassures him, “Business.”

The pirate captain invites them to sit on empty barrels of Alderaanian brandy ( Best before end: Alderaan)

“There’s this party.” Hondo tells them.

“A good party? With jelly and ice cream and naked blue Twi’leks?” Rojic asks.

“No. A party. A nefarious character….She stole something.”

“Your heart?” Jimmi asks.

“Pffft!” Mama scoffs, “He hasn’t got one!”

“No not my heart. –But something personal.”

Niall second guesses the pirate captain. “By personal, I suppose you mean valuable?”

Hondo hastily holds up a heavy holo with his hand. He takes his right index finger off the ‘H’ key and fires it up. In the image is a spectacular jewel. It is large and seductive and it burns with an inner fire, radiant with hues of orange, red, amber, burnt-hombre and brilliant tangerine.

“My oh my, what a pretty jewel!” Mama says, open mouthed. –So it sounds more like “Why-oh-why-whaaa-wah-pweewee-wooo-wool.”

Hondo’s eyes glaze over for a moment. “The star of Bestine….” He says, “A most brilliant Flamegem. –If you were to return it….I would be grateful….”

“Who has it now?” Rojic asks.

“A Farghul girl. Her name is Kirin Pash. –She’s got my gem.”

“You got any provenance?” Mama asks, but is ignored.

“When I get it back, you’ll have your information. Deal?” Hondo says.

“We need a moment.” Niall says.

“Take your time.” Hondo purrs.

They talk it over in hushed tones. There seems little alternative than to trust the pirate captain. In the end, Niall says, “Deal!”

Hondo approaches with a hand out. As Niall is about to shake it, the captain spits on it. A great gelatinous green gobbet of gooey spit lies on the palm of his hand.

“Finger stuck on the ‘G’ key?” Niall asks.

“Yeah.”

“I’m a knight of the Republic and a general of the clone army. I can’t be seen doing deals with lowlife pirate scum.” Niall says, adding, “No offence.”

“None taken.”

Hondo offers his hand to Mama. “Deal?”

Mama refuses to shake on a deal with someone who put her on her backside not twenty minutes ago. The hand is offered to Karnov who simply shakes.

“Party time!” Hondo announces. His lethargic gang springs into action and pull up some tables and chairs and start loading them full of exotic foodstuffs stolen from around the galaxy.

Niall takes Karnov to one side. She says to him, “I don’t like dealing with pirates.”

“Ne neither. – Oh, and you’ve got Weequay-spit on your hand.”

The party starts. Mama is keen to be getting off, but Hondo hasn’t revealed where Kirin Pash is yet, and won’t until he’s shown that there are no hard feelings and that he is an excellent host, making free with his stolen food and drink. Mama shrugs, after all where can you get fresh Bantha steak and blue milk at this hour?

In the end the party goes well. Rojic stuffs himself silly and even the stuffy Jedi have a good time. In the small hours of the morning, Hondo slides along a bench and offers Mama a death-stick.

“No hard feelings?” Hondo asks.

“A few. But I can learn to forgive….Over another brandy.”

“Good! Another bottle of brandy over here!” Hondo tells his men. “Oh, and two glasses!”

An extra goes to get the bottle. Mama shouts after him, “A pint glass and a schooner!”

“I like you.” Hondo says. “I could do with a woman like you around….To be my number two. What do you say? When this is over, we could tie the knot?”

“You’d have to ask my husband.” Mama says, pointedly, which makes the whole room suddenly go quiet. Hondo looks at the rest the Storm Cutter crew.

“Which one is he?” The captain asks.

“The one not shooting you for hitting on his wife!” Mama says. The room erupts in laughter. Hondo looks furious for a second, but then melts. He sniggers. “I like you.” He says after a chuckle, “I may even shoot you last.” He pours the liquor into the glasses. Mama goes for the schooner, but switches at the last minute.

Mama mulls it over, she takes a glug. “Shoot me in my spine, it’s giving me hell.”

“I’ll massage your coccyx.” Jimmi offers.

“Did I hear that right?” Karnov asks over the hubbub. Jimmi goes over to Mama.

“It’s alright, I sprained my pride.” She tells Jimmi.

“I’m sure as hell not massaging that!”

In the end, Jimmi massages Mama’s shoulders. It lasts all of a minute before Jimmi stiffens.

“Don’t stop.” Mama tells Jimmi.

“I saw something.”

“With your eyes….I doubt it!”

“Small and sneaky….” Jimmi says.

“Gollum!” Hondo jokes.

“No.” Jimmi steps around Mama. It takes some minutes. “A small figure scuttling in the gloomy corners….Like a mouse there on the stair!” Jimmi ‘sees’ it again and shouts “Stop!”

“Damn, it’s so dark in here!” Niall curses. “Not for me.” Karnov says, “Superior night vision!” Niall ignites a lightsabre. “Let me introduce our interloper to a new friend!”

As the weapon ignites, two more shadowy figures try to melt into the deeper corners of the room.

“Look sir! Droids!” Joe-9T shouts as a warning.

Mama pulls her hand from Hondo’s knee, grabs a blaster on the way up and shoots at the droid. This in turn takes fright and shoots Niall. It is however, a mere flesh wound. A second droid blasts Rojic from the ceiling. Rojic simulates a death-spiral, but unfortunately for the others he isn’t dead yet. The droids retreat out of the doorway, spraying the room with blaster bolts and keeping the defender’s heads down.

They hear the droids retreating. Jimmi leads the charge as a Chadra-Fan makes a dash for the door. Jimmi is in hot pursuit. The bat-faced rodent figure slams down a flash grenade which explodes in front of Jimmi, who is far from blinded. The rodent dives for cover beneath Storm Cutter and the other ship. Our remaining heroes emerge and start knocking lumps off the droids. These are no ordinary battle droids, but commando droids. They take a bit more to kill. Karnov, Joe-9T and Rojic concentrate fire on one of the droids, blackening its surface with carbon scoring. It reels under the onslaught. The droids fire back, making little headway, until one catches Mama with a critical hit. She slumps forward onto her knees, before rolling and collapsing into the dirt.

“Mama’s down!” Rojic shouts, but then adds, “A new mountain has appeared in the courtyard!”

The Chadra-Fan makes a bolt for the other ship, Jimmi is wise to this and uses the force to lift it. Jimmi heeds the Jedi maxim that the force is for knowledge and defence and never for attack. Instead Jimmi uses the force to hold the creature suspended in mid-air and uses the very-much-non-force blaster to shoot it to ribbons. Niall rolls for cover and snaps off three shots. Three blaster bolts hit home on three droids, destroying two. “No power in the galaxy can stop me!” He whoops.

Atop the cliff opposite, an Advozsec rolls into position with a long gun. A red spot appears on Joe-9T’s chest. This doesn’t last long as it is replaced with a blaster bolt. Joe-9T strides forward with Sarah-Jane singing her song of death. A long stream of blaster bolts plough into a commando droid, punching a hole clean through the machine. Only when it is a doughnut of molten slag does Joe-9T stop. “Statement: That’s for shooting Mama!”

“I didn’t know you cared.” Karnov says, suddenly feeling a wave of sadness wash over her.

“Information: She owed me money!”

Rojic flaps over to the molten droid. “I said disable, not disassemble!” He says to Joe-9T.

Hondo and his gang emerge from various doorways. The sniper picks off two in rapid succession. Jimmi uses the force to lift it from the cliff. Joe-9T yells “Pull!” and shoots the sniper critically. Jimmi remembers the call of the dark side when the previous sniper was let fall to his death. This time the Advozsec flutters to the ground like a sycamore leaf with Joe-9T filling it with hot plasma.

Hondo is enraged at his men being killed. He plants a shot on a droid which scatters it into pieces. He runs to a convenient hump to use as cover, plants his shooting arm neatly between two soft mounds and blasts away. Joe-9T fires another long burst, felling two droids. “Targets obliterated!” He says, matter-of-factly.

Niall draws his lightsabre and rushes a droid. He slices both arms off before taking out the legs. The droid champs at him ineffectively – as it has no teeth. Karnov takes this as her cue, and with her aquamarine lightsabre flashing, dispatches another droid.

The pirates blast wildly into the air, knocking chunks off their ship and a postcard off Storm Cutter before the fight is over.

Hondo gets up from behind the prone form of Mama. “Nice work with the laser swords….And your droid sure knows how to shoot.”

Niall is guarded. “It doesn’t do to underestimate us.”

“So I see.”

“Who are these people?” Karnov asks, “Friends of yours?”

“Some old adversaries.”

“Someone with some credits too….” Rojic observes. “Commando droids don’t come cheap.”

“You can judge a man by the quality of his enemies.” Niall says. Rojic picks up the Chadra-Fan by the tail like a dead rat, somewhat spoiling the effect.

Jimmi walks over to Mama. After some laying-on of hands, channeling the force and a forty-foot band-aid, the captain regains consciousness and sits upright.

“Your breasts might have gotten all out of whack too.” Hodo jokes, “But they make a nice stable rest for my shooting arm.” Mama scowls at him.

They do what they can for the fallen pirates – mainly involving piling stones over the bodies a way off so they don’t smell so much in the next few days. By this time, Mama has regained some strength enough to supervise and be sarcastic again, though she’s too weak for much more than walking and talking.

“A good spell in the bacta tank will see you right.” Karnov tells her.

“Of course I ticked off count Dooku once….” Hondo is boasting, but no one is listening.

The others are eager to leave the pirate base. Rojic is suddenly suspicious. “I just want to check one more time….I don’t trust pirates….” He says with emphasis on the last word.

After checking and re-checking Rojic pulls a small item from the landing strut. “Just as I thought –explosives!”

“Check for more.” Mama urges. A thorough search commences over the two ships. They dig out several more packages. “Sabotage charges.” Rojic says in disgust.

“Good job.” Mama says to the Toydarian, proving that she is still not feeling herself at this point in time.

Hondo saunters over. “So you retrieve my flamegem and we’ll talk again about your missing women.” He pauses. “Those two are quite a double act, I must say.”

“A right pair of low-life thespians.” Jimmi says.

“I didn’t know they were that way inclined.”

“Thespians. Not lesbians!”

“Shh! Only on Makeb!”

“So we have a deal.” Hondo insists. “Only business.” He reminds them. “My gem for information.” He holds out his hand to shake.

“We already shook. You made it quite clear where we stand.” Mama says with some venom in her voice.

“Quite clear. –Sorry but it’s business.” Honda says, taunting her. Mama suddenly has a thought.

“I suppose those pirates must have landed their own ship here on Florrum….Which means it must be within walking- or speeder-distance in the desert…..I suppose we’d better take it back with us. Niall? Rojic? Are you good for piloting?”

“Yes!”

“Me too!” Niall says, smiling.

“So long Hondo.” Mama says, “We’ll be off now. -With the pirate ship. -I’ll take it as a down payment for saving your wrinkly hide. I would have shared it fifty-fifty….But….”

Hondo can see thousands of credits slipping from his grasp. Niall realises what Mama is doing. He lets her deliver the killer line.

“But what?” Honda asks, still slightly wrong-footed.

“We didn’t sake on it.” Mama concludes, with her best Cheshire cat grin.

The impotent rage on Hondo’s face can be seen from orbit. He’s been outsmarted.

“Ahh….Don’t take it so hard.” Mama says, putting a hand on his sleeve. “It’s only business!”

CODA:

Rojic settles into the seat of the spaceship. He has Hen3ry for company. “Haha!” He yelps, tingling with glee. “My own ship! No one being nasty to me….A slave droid to boss around! What could be better?” The ship climbs fifty feet before turning. The others watch the Firespray depart from Storm Cutter.

“There he goes. I hope we can trust him.”

“Sure we can. I programmed Hen3ry to destroy the ship if he deviates one inch from the course we laid in. Rojic thinks he’s free….But it’s just a well-polished guilded cage.”

By now Rojic’s rage is visible from Orbit. “Grrrr!” He snarls at the controls, which have locked him out except for dire emergencies. His anger subsides a moment later when he checks the glove-box and finds an unopened packet of ginger nuts. “Now this is the life!” He says, offering Hen3ry one. He shrugs at Hen3ry’s refusal. Grinning, Rojic retires to scoff the whole packet to himself, dropping crumbs everywhere.

It takes some considerable effort to get Mama into the bacta tank. In the end it is easier to syphon out the bacta, and place it and Mama in the bath. After Niall takes Storm Cutter into space, there is a strong smell of pineapple in the ship where some of the bacta has slopped out. By the time they reach their destination, Mama is revived and Jimmi and Karnov have taken their turns. They leave Trio to swiftly scoop all the slimy and sticky spilled bacta busily back into the tank. – Being easier for her to do than to say.

“Coming up on Fresia.” Niall tells them over the comm.

“Isn’t that a kind of cow?” Jimmi asks.

“Yup. -The frozen kind.”

“Aha!”

“I can’t see the flamegem from space.” Jimmi says, with some irony.

“Nope. All I could see from space is a bit fat ‘Garnet.’” Karnov says, settling into the pilot’s seat.

“Feeling better!” Mama informs them, waking in wearing a robe and a shower cap. “Fit as a Farghul. Blaster at my side. New power pack. Someone in my chair….Someone leaving by the airlock –sans escape-pod.”

“Actually,” Niall says, “Could you step to one side? Only I can’t see the planet.”

“Two for the airlock….” Mama threatens.

“Now I know that you are better!” Jimmi says. “And by the way, I hate these multi-stage quests!”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Footnotes: None today.