"Bad Water Rising."


A.K.A. "The Guns of Mal Agua."

Written and Directed by:
Paul Burton.
Fiction by: Paul Burton and (mostly) Anthony Hummerston.
STARRING:

Karnov,   Jimmi,   Niall,   Rojic,    Ta'alan,  Mama
And special guest stars:
Hen3ry , Joe-9T, Trio and 'Blinkie.'
as the droids.
AND
Storm Cutter, a shipping crate that passes as their ship.

“His name’s Castor?” Niall says, with astonishment.

“Yes. Castor D’Estrella.”

“But ‘castor’ -that’s a type of oil made from beans.”

“Or a flask for storing radioactive waste.”

“Or a wheel on the bottom of a mobile piece of furniture….”

“Actually,” Mama interrupts, “I expect he’s named after the star. His family is Corellian after all.”

“I pity his poor twin brother, saddled with the name Pollux.”

“If I had pollux, I’d go to the doctor and get some cream for it!”

They are interrupted by Starman, he troops aboard Storm Cutter with his troops. “New orders, sirs.”

They play the message. The Mal Agua spaceport shimmers into view for everyone but Jimmi. Joe-9T describes it.

“Large spaceport. Two runways for old-fashioned air travel vehicles. Roughly star-fort shaped with two-to-three kilometre long walls. Bordered by the river in the east.”

Joe-9T translates, “The river Mal Agua – Or ‘Bad water’ in basic.”

“I knew that,” Karnov says, thinking aloud. “We could mount a river-based assault.”

“It’s called ‘Mal Agua’ Because of the pollution.

“Polluted with what?” Karnov asks.

“I dunno….Stupid questions, perhaps?”

Karnov takes offence. “Hey!” She thinks for a moment. “Actually where I come from the whole sea is polluted.”

“Oh yeah, what with…?.-And don’t say ‘stupid questions.’ What is the source of the pollutant?”

Karnov sighs, “Mon Calamari!”

“So what’s the problem?”

“The enemy is holed up in there, sir. We are to assemble a strike force and take the spaceport.”

“How about taking off and nuking it form orbit?”

“The spaceport is well defended against air assault. –Six anti-aircraft proton cannons dot the walls. They’ve shot down two sorties already. –We also believe that there is a garrison of droids and mercenaries within the command bunker.”

“The AA-batteries couldn’t reach orbit though?” Karnov asks.

“No. But if we nuke it from orbit, we can’t land supplies and troops there.”

“Oh I see.” Jimmi says, without a hint of irony.

“Talking of AA batteries,” Mama says without thinking, “I need a pair…For a thing….In my bedroom….Um….Two…um…. Alarm clocks….”

“Are you sure it isn’t your little Kushiban friend?”

“No.” She shakes her head vigorously, but the others don’t believe her.

“I’m not buying it. Since when did you ever get up at a regular time?” Niall asks, in an inquisitor’s tone of voice.

Mama concedes the point. “I never get up to an alarm clock. Midday is too early. Gin and tonic usually gets me up around four in the afternoon.”

Starman interrupts their chatter. “Sirs. Might I suggest a series of strike teams, each disabling the defensive cannons. –Under the cover of darkness? Then the main assault can advance at dawn.”

“We’ll mull it over. Have your men on standby. As soon as we have a plan we’ll let you know. –Though four in the morning sounds about right. Get the men rested and ready.”

“Will do. Thank you sir.”

“Not at all, thank you.”

They discuss the problem. They discuss it some more. The only realistic solution appears to be a broad frontal assault across the minefield under the cover of daylight. They have a company of clones to accompany them. “It’s a good thing we don’t have a battalion.” Karnov says, missing the alliteration.

“We need to secure the guns, then take out the garrison.” Rojic says, looking over the holo of the spaceport.

“Where you gonna take ‘em? –A nice restaurant?” Jimmi asks.

“You bet I could!” Rojic retorts, “A seafood restaurant –and I’ll ask to see the wine-list instead of fondling it like you do.”

Jimmi sticks out a tongue. “I’m just a simple masseur….”

“I was told that you were good at hands on….” Niall says. “In fact there are several Twi’leks that can attest to that.”

“I wasn’t fondling them. –The wine list was painted on their bodies….Their lithe young supple bodies….In oil….”

“Anyway, back to the matter in hand….” Mama says, not really steering the conversation far enough from Jimmi’s wandering hands.

“How did we get in this mess?” Joe-9T asks, knowing that it will provoke a response. Rojic explains, “We secure the spaceport. –Which Junn’s tactics failed to do the last time around….But I’m not accusing anyone….The Republic has a ‘no blame’ culture.” He pauses for someone to contradict him. When no-one does, he adds, “Anyways, It’s all Karnov’s fault!”

Karnov glares at Rojic. Jimmi tries to defuse the situation by offering some insight. “I could look into the future….Farseeing is a skill that I’m learning.”

“I didn’t know you spoke Farsi.” Niall says.

Joe-9T says something in Farsi.

He also informs them that there is a Skakoan commander believed to be holed-up in the garrison.

“I never know whether Skakoans are saying something or tuning into Radio Ord Mantell.”

In the end they decide to each head up a squad of clones and assault each gun turret in turn. When these are secured, they’ll either turn them on the garrison or on one another. “No flaw in this plan!” Karnov says, trying to take command. “No there isn’t. –But I just want to say ‘like Master, like Padawan’ one more time.”

“We can use our sticky ropes. Grapple to the top and attack from the top down.”

“How do those things work?”

“They make liquid rope that’ll bear the weight of a man and equipment.”

“Best make sure I have two….Just to be safe.” Mama says.

“But you won’t have any hands free.”

“Better than plunging to my death from the top of the gun turret.”

“Okay. It’s a plan then. Ready?”

“No.”

“No?”

“No. We attack at half an hour before dawn. –Still time for a few games of strip Pazzak with the colonel.”

“I’m afraid those days are over, Mama.” Niall says with his most serious voice.

“Oh? Why is that? Was he busted to private?” Mama says, wincing.

“No. -But I heard the admiral addressing him this morning.”

“What did she say?”

“You are in command now, General D'Estrella.”

D’Estrella as they don’t remember him.

Rojic wonders, “I wonder how much the admiral knows about what happened to Junn?”

“Well the official line is that he suffered a seizure, attacked Karnov, who defended and disarmed him….” Niall explains.

“Literally disarmed!” Joe-9T says, chuckling with undisguised pleasure.

“…And he was taken back to the command ship under sedation.”

Four o’clock in the morning comes around fast. Their company of clones take speeders to their positions. They hide the speeders under scrubby bushes and under the cover of darkness, approach their targets. Each crewmember has a squad of clones to command. At the allotted time all are in position and fire their grappling guns onto the parapets of the cannons. The assault is on!

Jimmi is the first to ascend. With deft jumps the clones in Jimmi’s squad are over the wall and start laying down withering blaster fire. Niall uses the force to jump into position, his clones are a second behind. A lone droid manages to say, “Ut…oh! Jedi….That’s not good, it’s….” Before Niall casually sweeps his lightsabre around, cutting it into two pieces. Niall’s clones open fire on the rest of the droid lookouts. “Kill all the droids!” One of them yells, and they proced to do just that.

Rojic has also eschewed the ascension guns, and instead has fluttered up to the top of the gun turret. He can see droids keeping watch, and several manning the cannon. They don’t notice that Rojic is hovering at stand-off distance several feet from the edge. A commander looks up. As he does so, Rojic lets fly with a shot. The blaster bolt smacks the officer right between the eyes, killing him instantly. “Oooh! I got the boss!” Rojic squeals in delight. His clones mop up the reminder of the droids. When the firing stops they wonder why one of the droids never returned fire. On close examination, it would appear that Rojic’s boss-killing blaster-bolt went straight through the boss and the droid behind. “Two for one!” Rojic says, flapping excitedly.

Mama and her clones arrive at the southerly gun turret. The clones deploy their ascension guns. Mama shoots off two – one in each hand – and ascends more slowly. The clones are met with stiff resistance. Mama sights the commander issuing orders. At the sight of such a large target hoving into view, the commander takes careful aim and a shot blasts Mama. She nearly topples off the top with the impact. She sucks breath through clenched teeth, discards the grappling guns and draws her own blaster. Two shots fire almost as one, and pierce the man’s body armour in two neat holes about an inch apart. The commander crumples. Two streams of whispy mist linger in the air between Mama’s gun barrels and her opponent. “Just like Gunshots over Kyushu all over again!” Mama tells the clones, who have no idea what she is talking about. There is a whirr as a passenger lift brings up another droid from down below. With Mama and eight clones blasting at it, it doesn’t even get to say “Oh no!”

At Jimmi’s tower an ominous clanking can be heard. The top level is a mass of battle droid bits. A head and chest appears from the stairwell that leads down below. “Super battle droid!” A clone yells as a warning. The clones turn to face their new enemy. The droid is hampered by coming up the stairs and having a wrist-mounted blaster. It manages a single shot that whips over Jimmi’s head before Jimmi and eight clones return fire. The ominous clanking sound coming up the stairs stops and becomes a rattling of scrap metal descending.

“There goes the elephant of surprise.” Jimmi says, ruefully.

On Niall’s tower, two driods scramble up the stairs. In a deft move, Niall sidesteps, waiting with lightsabre poised. As their heads emerge, he sweeps the weapon around, cutting the two to pieces. “Okay. Let’s put the cannon out of action!” Niall commands. He looks across. In the distance he can make out flashes of blaster fire, the distinct glow of Karnov’s aquamarine lightsabre and streams of shots from Ta’alan’s blasters. In another tower, he can see red streaks attacking defenders on the ground and he assumes that this is Joe-9T sniping at battle droids. A green lightsabre glow lets him know that Padawan Ull is still in the fight.

Jimmi can sense another droid ascending the stairs. The clones raise their guns. Jimmi is cool, and tells them, “I can see!” As the driod emerges, Jimmi one-shots it through the chest. Jimmi waves the clones onward and downward, lest any more emerge. In the bunker below are the control and targeting computers. There is also a target rich environment. Jimmi leads the charge by picking up every scrap of metal, gravel and sand and spinning it up in a devastating whirlwind.

In one of the other towers, Rojic is battling away. Suddenly six droids emerge all firing. The clones are pinned down, but manage to cut through the line. Rojic slices into the computer and disables the controls. Jimmi, Mama and Niall are doing the same with satchel charges and / or lightsabres, for a similar outcome.

Starman reports in. “There’s stiff resistance at the gates. Joe-9T and I will go to reinforce. When you are free we could probably do with a hand, sir.”

“Roger that.”

“We’re closing in on the control tower. The LAATs are scrambled.”

“Ull is securing the gates. I’m on my way to give him some backup.”

Mama, Rojic, Jimmi and Niall race to the control tower with their remaining clones. The clones lob grenades into the ground floor. A series of dull thuds follows mixed with some choice “Oh no!” exclamations. When the dust settles a little, they mop up a few remaining droids and hurry to the lifts up. A squad of droids appear at the doorway, delaying the clones ascent. “You go on, sir.” Their sergeant tells Niall, “We’ll take care of these clankers.”

Niall leads his team upward. The lift doors open to a short corridor. At he end is the heart of the control tower and more trouble.

“First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits, shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes....”

“This is the second floor surely.”

“Don’t start that all over again! We start on the ground floor we go up one level. So this is the first.”

Mama chimes in, “I’m glad it’s the first. The thought of climbing another flight of stairs fills me with dread.”

“It’s the same number of stairs whatever you call the level.”

Jimmi quashes the argument there and then. “Besides you came in the lift.”

“Elevator.” Rojic points out.

“Whatever. We have bigger fish to fry.”

“Fish is in the basement level. –Or mezzanine if you started further up.” Jimmi retorts.

“I’m really confused now. So cross I could shoot someone.” Mama says.

“The enemy are right down the corridor.” Niall points to the control room.

“I was thinking of someone a bit closer. –Still, they’ll have to do.”

They barrel into the control room. It is circular and nearly a hundred feet in diameter. On a raised dais is a Skakoan, simultaneously giving orders and tuning in to Radio Ord Mantell.

Radio Ord Mantell logo.

Our heroes resist the obvious tactic of opening fire on the leader all at once and instead tackle the droids and bodyguards and mercenaries that have suddenly woken up to their presence. Niall whips out a thermal detonator and pitches it as far as he can. “That’s some changeup.” Mama observes, as the apparently fast pitch comes in slower than the droids expect. The thermal detonator explodes almost on impact and the umpires call it a ball.

Rojic follows the pitch with an impressive shot to a super battle droid. His shot pierces its chest, pings around for a second and pops out of its head. The droid falls forward to its knees. Jimmi strikes up the force whirlwind again and the room fills with debris spinning at high velocity and bead blasting the enemy. Jimmi finishes with two shots on a droid, but doesn’t manage to stop its advance. Mama manages to wound a mercenary and finish off Jimmi’s damaged droid. Another super battle droid manages to miss the biggest target in the room – Mama- who is striding purposefully towards cover. It turns its attention to Jimmi, who is standing stock still and still using the force to bead-blast the room. It takes careful aim and misses. “I didn’t see that coming!” Jimmi quips as multiple blaster bolts sail harmlessly overhead.

The Skakoan stops listening to ‘I left my garlic at Fort Garnik’ on the radio, and orders his bodyguards into the fray. He broadcasts a five second burst of what sounds like static, which spurs his troops on. “Sounds like Jimmi’s singing.” Niall says, but is then distracted by a familiar buzz. Several bodyguard droids animate and light up lightsabres. They start swinging them menacingly and advancing. Seeing a future as diced meat is not on Niall’s agenda, and he closes to stop them. He manages to parry blows from one droid, but another closes fast and the two of them have Niall on the back foot, defending for his life. Jimmi comes to Niall’s aid. Using the force, he lift one of the droids and with a push throws it back twenty feet. Its ligtsabres nearly beheading a mercenary in the process. Rojic flaps higher and out of the reach of such fearsome weaponry. He wounds a mercenary, and sends a flurry of bolts into the console, which crackles and sparkles like a cheap firework.

Mama and a super battle droid trade shots, Mama keeping it at bay, while the driod misses. The firefight rages for several minutes. A lightsabre droid manages to get a telling blow on Niall, who staggers backward at the onslaught. The thrown droid advances again, beating Mama back in the process and sapping her fading resolve. Jimmi leaps to Niall, and channels the force into him. Niall is still a little woozy though. Mama decides to step between Niall and one of the lightsabre droids. If it closes, it could be the end for our gallant captain. It surges forward. Mama is scared. Petrified beyond rational thought. The only instinct she has left is to empty blasters into the advancing assassin. Shots scatter over its armoured carapace, but then one penetrates. The droid stops dead for a second but the keeps coming. It is within strike range. Mama has no more options other than to step inside its guard. She places the blaster to its chest and fires. The droid stops for good. “Dodge this!” She says, but her voice is no more than a high pitched squeak from the fear. A ligtsabre –still lit- skitters over the floor. Niall deftly skips over it and presses his attack. Three mercenaries have failed to get a shot on Rojic, high in the air. They turn their attention to Mama, who takes three hits in quick succession. She rolls for cover, snaps off a shot and kills one in return. More shots flash off the pillar as the mercenaries try to lead their target. Rojic shoots a mercenary stone dead, Jimmi lifts another and slams him into a wall. Niall goes for a lightsabre droid, wrong-footing it and bringing his weapon down. Lightsabre cleaves metal, and the droid is no more. A flurry of shots reduce the remaining defenders to two mercenaries. The Skakoan takes off at full retreat, dives for a lift and presses the down button. Blaster bolts play off the doors as they close. Rojic tries his best to intimidate the mercenaries. “I say, would you mind awfully if we stopped fighting?”

He gets a volley of shots for his trouble. Niall advances threateningly with the lightsabre, which scares the mercenaries into submission.

Mama scrabbles for a kolto pack, while the others mop up. “Who was that Skakoan?” Niall asks the remaining defenders. “Anat Rendo. He’s the boss.” One of the men snarls back.

“Open the blast shields!” Niall orders. Rojic complies. The sun’s rays penetrate the control room. In the distance, they can see black specks in the sky. A few seconds later, a dozen LAATs swoop in out of the sun. “My eyes are watering.” Jimmi says.

“Yeah. Emotional isn’t it?”

“Not that. It’s the sun.”

“Great way to approach. Out of the sun. Fine clear morning. Blue skies. Endless fields of wheat….”

“I bet the clone captian has ‘Ride of the Valkaries’ playing at full volume.

They all close their eyes for a second and try to imagine it.

“Makes you fell good doesn’t it? -That we’re on the offensive for once.”

“Mmmmm.”

“Crack of dawn. Whole new day. Flying six feet above the ground. Coming in out of the sun from the west…..” Mama says.

There is a long pause as they thinks about it. “Wind in your hair…. ‘Coz there are no doors on a LAAT.”

“–The ones with doors don’t shut properly.” Rojic says, “Serious design flaw that.”

“Not as serious as putting tinfoil on a wooden frame, calling it a dropship and flying it into a barrage of heavy anti-aircraft fire!”

“Have I ever let you down?” Mama asks, leaving them an open goal.

“Yes!”

“Twice!”

“At least!”

There is a moment’s pause. Jimmi interrupts the silence. “If it is dawn, how come the sun’s not in the east?”

“‘Coz we’re on a different planet….Stupid!”

“Hmm….Surely whichever way it rises, you call that east.”

“No because North is a measurable effect in the planet’s magnetic field.”

“Every planet has a north.” Mama informs them.

“Karnov doesn’t think the sun rises in the east. –Or the west for that matter.” Niall says.

“Karnov probably thinks that pixies come down from the sky and sprinkle fairy dust all over the night.” Mama scoffs, making fun of Karnov in her absence.

“Actually, where she comes from, there is no sunrise or sunset.” Niall says, sagely.

“Must make it quite dark.” Jimmi says.

“At the bottom of the ocean. Yes.”

“I can’t read the compass anyway.” Jimmi moans, “Maybe I should get a young lithe Twi’lek to assist me.”

The LAATs scream over head. Seconds later they are bombing the enemy positions, deploying tanks and artillery and more squads of clones. Casualty reports come in. Of the company that started, our heroes and seventy eight clones remain.

The comm crackles to life.

“High sweetie!” Kory’s voice comes over the holo. “We’ve got a sticky situation here, trying to keep the gates closed.”

“Need a hand?” Niall asks. Over the holo, several blaster shots and an explosion is heard.

“Yes!” Kory yells. The com goes dead.

“Be right there.” Niall says, finishing the conversation to no-one in particular.

“A four-Kay run. Just what you need after a long morning’s fight!” Jimmi says, jumping up and jogging on the spot to warm up.

“Are you serious?” Mama pants.

Niall thinks. “Maybe there are some speeders about. –Busy spaceport must have vehicles to move around in.

“Oooh! Can we play ‘Ride of the Valkaries’ too?” Jimmi asks excitedly, “There may even be a Harold Budd version!”

Jimmi suffers the usual ‘play that version and I’ll shoot you myself’ comments. They troop down to the ground floor.

The towers are neutralized. There is a chance for a breather. Jimmi tends to the wounded clones before turning to Mama. “I can help you madam, but you’ll have to take off all your clothes and lie on the couch.”

“How do you know I’m not naked right now?” Mama asks, coyly.

“I’m a masseur and a masseuse. -I know these things.”

Rojic stars telling them something. “You know, an interesting fact is that the word ‘valkyrie’ derives from Old Norse valkyrja –the plural being valkyrjur. It is composed of two words; the noun valr -referring to the slain on the battlefield- and the verb ‘kjósa’ -meaning ‘to choose’. So together, they mean ‘chooser of the slain’. The Old Norse ‘valkyrja’ is related to Old Corellian ‘wælcyrge.’ Other terms for valkyries include ‘óskmey’ – In Old Norse ‘wish girl’, appearing in the poem Oddrúnargrátr, and ‘Óðins meyjar’ which in Old Norse is ‘Odin's girls’, appearing in the Nafnaþulur. ‘Óskmey’ may be related to the Odinic name ‘Óski’ – again, Old Norse, roughly meaning ‘wish fulfiller’, referring to the fact that Odin receives slain warriors in Valhalla.”

They all think long and hard over Rojic’s explanation.

“Thanks Rojic. -One last question….”

“Yeah?”

“What’s a Valkyrie?”

“You know, I still have absolutely no idea!”

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Footnotes: Toot toot pip!