"Only Choking."

By: Anthony Hummerston.

STARRING

'Mama',   Rojic,   Jimmi,   Karnov,   Niall,   Kory,  
And introducing:
Joe-90 Hen3ry and 'Lucky.' and 'Blinkie.'
as the droids.

AND
Storm Cutter
their ship.

We open with a flashback. Niall, Kory and Jimmi are in the engine room, as most of the life-support systems start shutting down. Karnov and Joe-90 are in the lobby suffering the same fate, and half dreading / half-excited about opening the doors to the ship’s swimming pool.

In the meantime, Rojic (who has been mumbling about on-air time, and re-negotiating his contract) has been busy. A cargo lift has arrived from the bowels of the ship, and deposited a large number of barrels and crates and shipping containers all over the hangar. He rubs his hands in glee and goes to check them out. ^{[ 64 ]}

The others have felt the recap from last episode, and are making the appropriate comments. “I can feel a timey-wimey-rewinding going on.”

“I hope it doesn’t rewind too far. I don’t want to go through puberty again – backwards!”

“It’s alright for you, but think of Karnov. – He’d end up back at being a tadpole.”

“That might cramp his style a bit.”

Jimmi rubs at a suddenly grumbling tummy. “That’s torn it! Now I feel hungry. -And I quite fancied some caviar. –Quarren caviar. Mmmmm, yummy!”

In the hangar, the re-activated and re-motivated Treadwell droid is trundling up the ramp of Storm Cutter. As the lights start to fade, it is silhouetted in the centre of a warm halo of light extending down the ramp. A soft chorus of heavenly voices fills the thinning air. Rojic sees this, and stops in wonder. Has the Treadwell found droid nirvana? Suddenly Rojic realises what is going on. A short flight later, he slams a door shut. “That’s enough of that. Droid heaven isn’t inside our fridge!” The Treadwell looks forlorn again, it reverses slowly down the ramp, around the sofa and sullenly gets back to work.

Amanna d’ Meesa is thinking about getting out of here. The slowly dropping air pressure is starting to worry him. He approaches Rojic with the last remaining sentry gun. “Meesa very grateful for yousah to fixxy uppy the blammogun on measa flyer. Meesa thinks that meesa go soon. Meesa flyme back to Tanaab and to helpsies my fellow Gungans!”

Rojic looks at him. He blurts out. “What would you want to do that for?”

Amanna looks at him, stunned at such callous a comment.

“Only joking. Sure you should go.” Amanna looks happier. Rojic says to himself. “The sooner the better!” His shoulders slump at the prospect of working for the Gungan. “Can’t see much mileage in this!” He mutters to himself.

Amanna fishes in his jacket pocket. “Meesa pay for fixxy-uppy. Meesa gots good Naboo credits. Republics credits good, no?”

Rojic is suddenly mollified by the prospect of easy money. Suddenly he beams at Amanna “That’ll do nicely!”

It doesn’t take long to mount the gun on the wing of the flyer. A small hole is drilled in the cockpit, and a cable run through. A quick squirt of hull sealant and a couple of wires to connect it up is all it takes.

“Are yousa sure thisa workses?”

“Sweet as a nut!”

“What’s this minty stuff then?”

“Hull sealant. Or is it shaving foam? Only one way to tell, once you get out in hard vacuum!”

Amanna isn’t actually listening. He babbles on as Rojic works away. “Meesa big scare-dy of pirates and battle droidsa. But me likes fixxy-uppy droidsa. Meesa collector of droidsa.” He looks sad. “Meesa got no girl-friendsa though.”

“That’s hardly surprising.” Rojic says, rather unkindly. Then he realises that he hasn’t either. “I wonder how Fleevah is getting on. Whether she’s thinking of me....Or….”

The sentry gun looks rather comical mounted on the wing of the flyer. “Like a machine gun mounted on a pedalo.” He muses.

As soon as it’s fixed, Amanna leaps in, says a rather strained goodbye, and guns the engine. Rojic starts to flap casually back to Storm Cutter, only to have the flyer reverse unexpectedly and knock him for six. Luckily it’s only a cracked rib or two. Through gritted teeth, Rojic gives full vent to some choice Toydarian expletives. On the flyer, the sentry gun swivels around and Amanna presses the switch to fire upon Rojic. Nothing happens! Rojic can’t help but grin to himself through the pain. He purposefully put an interlock on the gun to stop any situation such as this, though to be true he did expect the gun to go off more by accident than Amanna’s sudden change of allegiance. Even so, Rojic could easily be run down or sucked into an engine, so he flaps at high speed toward the relative safety of Storm Cutter.

Rojic wants to make a dart for the nearest cargo container, but is hampered by Amanna swooping around the hanger, still cursing that the gun won’t fire. By this point, Rojic has finally noticed that the anti-gravity has faded, and that the container is much easier to manoeuvre. Rojic is seeing credits signs in his eyes, even more so when he finds out that the container is full of luxury food! “Aha!” he exclaims, forgetting about the Gungan trying to kill him. “Food! –And not just any old fairy cake. This is Mint and Kendal cake!”

By the time that Rojic emerges from the hold of Storm Cutter, the lights have completely failed, and the Hangar is lit only from a solitary bar of light from the hold of Storm Cutter. Rojic starts looking for a fuse box, still not realising the enormity of the situation. The atmosphere on board Enisada One is still venting from a blown airlock.

"Not that kind of airlock. -Stupid!"

Catching up with the present time, Joe-90 and Karnov have reached the lobby area. Where there were once chairs, tables and food. They are all spinning and floating in a deadly ballet of chaos. The anti gravity has failed completely here, and everything not held down is floating around. This includes the protocol droid, which has since woken up, and is fussing over them.

“There is something amiss with your room,” It says, “Would you mind waiting, mister and Mrs…Er…..Who did you say you were again?”

Karnov denies everything.“Oh we're not married!” He is slowly losing patience. He tells the droid who they are.

“I don’t appear to have that name in my databank madam, or sir.”

Karnov says it again, in a weary and rather annoyed way. By this time the air pressure in the lobby is starting to drop, and he is filled with a sense of urgency. “We are not passengers. All this is wasting precious seconds!”

Joe-90 chips in. “Which he doesn’t have!”

The protocol droid is oblivious. “I can’t let you just wander around the ship.”

“Drift.”

“Drift around the ship. Please remain here while I call security.”

“No!”

“Please wait here. I can fix you a complementary drink….”

“NO!”

The droid has exhausted all the options on the menu tree and so restarts on a new tack. “I am C3-BO, Gungan-cyborg relations….” The other two snigger.

“That may be very funny in your language, but to the Gungans, it means that I am deadly serious.”

By this time, Karnov and Joe-90 have half drifted, half swum, half propelled themselves to the door to the pool. “Oddly that’s three halves, sir.”

“Never tell me the odds!” Karnov snaps at Joe-90. By this time the air is starting to thin, and Karnov is starting to worry that it is a very long way back to the relative safety of Storm Cutter.

“Might I remind you sir, that Storm Cutter is a death-trap.”

“But It’s our death-trap, so get us the hell there!”

“The door is shut sir.”

“Well do something about it then, before I start looking for a battering ram. All I need is something solid with a flat-top….”

“Working on the door now sir. Might I say that using me as a battering ram presents several difficulties, the biggest of which is the second law of Plank. –Apart from that, it is also rather undignified.”

“Plank?”

“Maxine Plank. You wouldn’t know her.”

“She has laws of physics?”

“Yes. I’m sure that one day some upstart physicist will claim them for their own, but for now, every action is countered by an equal reaction.”

“Surely that’s the third law.”

“The third law is never to use your companions as siege weapons in times of anti gravity.”

“So that also applies?”

“Technically, yes, but you must obey law two before three, even if the third applies more specifically. Not my rules. Take it up with professor Plank if you think you have a case.”

Karnov steers Joe-90 over toward a terminal socket. “I need to know how we bypass the swimming pool. There must be a way around!”

“No way around sir. The pool is on the spar. You can’t go over it, can’t go under it.”

“Shame. We’ve got to go through it.”

“I hope there are no bears. It’s a beautiful day for it sir. The gravity is almost gone, and the water will be in a most interesting configuration.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“That the swimming pool will most likely be in the library.” Joe-90 processes the data. “It would stop it being so wet.”

“I like wet!”

“And the polo will be in an interesting shape.”

“The polo?”

“Sure. The polo. It will be just like a giant three dimensional polo.”

“Let me stop you right there. Are you being deliberately obtuse, or is there some universal narration error going on? By ‘polo’ I suppose you mean ‘pool.’”

“The pool will become a polo eventually.”

Karnov is not sure he understands what Joe-90 is chattering on about.

“What’s a polo?”

“Sir, it’s like a mint Republic, only with a hole drilled in the middle.”

Karnov stares at the droid. His mouth makes a perfect ‘O’ shape.

“That’s it sir! – A hole in the middle. Of course, it’s only a concept so far. There’s nothing in production. I’m sure I saw it on the galactic news. -In between the death and destruction that is the current galactic war….Did I mention that there was a war on?”

Karnov is still in a state of shock. “A mint? With a hole? In the middle?”

“That’s it sir.”

“But….” Karnov’s brain is racing.^{[ 65 ]}

“Where do they get he holes from?”

“That’s the real trick, sir. They would have to import them from a place far beyond the galaxy. – The cost would be astronomically prohibitive.”

Excitedly, Karnov tells Joe-90 that they could be manufactured with the holes already incorporated.

“Indeed sir. Making them with the holes in already would be ludicrous, of course.”

Karnov ignores Joe-90’s comment and opens the doors. The floating globules of water start to approach. Karnov prepares for a swim through the weightless swimming pool, now on approach. Behind the wall of water, he can make out shapes. Droid shapes!

Back in the engine room, the resting droids have come to life and are advancing on Kory, Niall and Jimmi. Niall sinks to the floor, and having gained traction, he makes a retreat for the door. Jimmi uses the force to move object – and is slowly propelled toward the door. Jimmi grabs at Kory, and in a comedy moment the two of them spin slowly presenting Kory’s back to the advancing droids. Niall catches a glimpse of them. “Antigravity is right!”

Jimmi and Kory perform a slow tango, and make the relative safety of the doors. Niall manages to execute a slow weightless tumble, and overtakes them. The droids open fire, hitting Jimmi a stinging blow, despite Kory being used as a human shield. This prompts Jimmi to spin her around faster and take pot shots at the droids as they revolve. From Niall’s point of view, it appears like a Catherine-wheel in the darkness.

Karnov and Joe-90 are prepared to move in on the droids. Karnov gives his companion a series of complex hand signals. “What?” Joe-90 whispers.

Karnov repeats the gestures. Joe-90 still doesn’t get it. “Wrestle them to the ground and start rogering them roughly?”

Karnov shakes his head. He tries again.

“Poke them on tentaclebook….With a violin?”

Karnov indicates something slightly different, gesticulating wildly.

“I’m sorry, sir. I’m not equipped for that!”

Karnov realises that the droids probably won’t understand Quarren. He says. “Cover me. I’m going to draw them in.”

“Still not getting it, sir.”

“Okay. One word. One syllable. A verb. Rhymes with ‘hoot’”

“Oh I see sir….Okay!”

Karnov chooses his moment to shoot.

Unheard by Karnov, Joe-90 murmurs. “I do believe your squid has finally got it!”

“What was that? I have exceptional hearing you know.”

“Actually it’s exceptional sight. And you’re talking to a standard lamp, sir.”

The battle droids are confused. “Where did that noise come from?”

Taking no chances, the droids open fire. “Not so fast, Republic scum!”

Another droid chimes in. “I was going to say that!”

Karnov does an impression of the droids. “Roger! Roger!”

The droids aren’t taken in by it.

“Sounds like JF9K-222-10-101001101110-19D-15 talking.”

“I heard that he bought it on Honoghr, about a fortnight ago.”

“Then it must be someone doing a poor impression of him. -Blast ‘em!”

Joe-90 shoots, and misses. His ocular sensors are having trouble shooting through the refraction of the water. The droids get a lucky shot through it, and blast him in the chest, sending him reeling back into the lobby. The droids grab long poles, about an inch in diameter and five feet long. They start to advance.

In the engine room, Niall and Jimmi are struggling to open the door. “Every time I push on it, physics pushes back.”

“Damn that professor Plank!”

Finally they get it half open. “Aha!” Niall says, but regrets it as the airflow increases. “Unfortunately that’s our atmosphere!” He gasps with a long intake of breath. Kory is coughing. Jimmi grabs her, and they almost tumble away together. “I think Kory has a higher centre of gravity than you expect, Jimmi.” Niall points out. “I’m glad you’re here to tell me these things!” Jimmi retorts, while tightening the grip on Kory. Jimmi concentrates on the door, it slides open slowly. “I think the motivators are shot, or have become de-coupled.”

“Whatever it is, those droids are closing fast!” Niall warns peering into the inky blackness behind them, and starting to get angry. “Let’s move!”

Kory has finally spun around to face the droids again. Shots light up the darkness like tracers, and sure enough, shots come back her way, one scratching her upper arm. Niall snaps off two shots, directly back at the source. One fizzes into the darkness, the other impacts on a droid which explodes in a pretty burst of sparks.

“Ahhhhh…Pretty!”

Rojic has stopped his constant flapping. His wings were becoming more and more redundant as the atmosphere thins and the AG disappears altogether. He pushes off from surfaces and with the briefest of flutters, guides himself around. “Actually I’m quite good at this after all!” He tells himself. He looks at he contents of the salvaged crate. It smells like concentrated mint Republics. “Oooh! Kendal mint cake!” At that point, Amanna opens the hatch of the flyer and aims a blaster at him. Shots ring out. Rojic goes to dodge, but his momentum is too slow. The shot catches him a stinging blow.

Joe-90 and Karnov take another turn at their droid enemies. Joe-90 is desperately trying to propel himself with only a small amount of success. As such he pulls his shot, which goes wide. In the flash, Karnov follows up, and blasts another droid. The other droids are advancing on the muzzle flashes with bits of metal bar in their robotic hands.

By now, the atmosphere is getting to dangerously low levels. Jimmi is gasping with the effort to manhandle Kory through the open half of the half open door. Karnov at the other end of the ship is panting with the effort on his lungs.

Niall covers Jimmi’s exit and Kory’s rear. -And what a rear it is. It’s only a shame that it’s so dark! He snaps off another two shots, and manages to get two more kills. Jimmi is getting desperate to escape this deadly shooting gallery, and strains with the force. The doors are wrenched open, slide off their runners and spin away into the blackness. They clang quietly in the distance. Niall lays down some covering fire as Jimmi and Kory duck into the doorway. He swings to kick them, but it’s not that effective. Jimmi and Kory gavotte through and into the droid recharging bay. Kory tells Jimmi to be careful, but her voice is getting fainter in the thinning atmosphere. A weightless astromech droid is on collision course with Jimmi’s head.

Back in the hanger, Amanna has drawn another bead on Rojic, and another blaster bolt finds its mark. Rojic is winded. His vision blurs somewhat, and he gasps for breath. He hauls on the crate, using it as cover, and thanking his foresight to turn off the gravity on board Storm Cutter’s hold. He ducks beneath a lazily spinning speeder, and punches the button to re-activate the AG. The crate slams down. Rojic only just remembers to flap his wings again. He flits to the sentry gun button, and engages the extreme danger catch. The guns open up at the flyer, and knock greebles from its hull. Amanna closes the canopy rapidly, and starts to manoeuvre into position for a swift exit.

Kory misses her target. She fires again and gets a kill. Joe-90 can’t get a hit, but Karnov makes another droid pay for its recklessness. By this time, Rojic has snapped off the light in the hold of Storm Cutter and closed the fridge door. He is about to rescue another crate when his strength ebbs from his body. He slumps to the floor of the cargo bay ramp. –Unfortunately not onto the sofa. He is gasping for air, his little body straining to keep his lungs going. His eyes bulge more than usual, and like a fish out of water he flops feebly on the ramp, unable to do much more than slide slowly down it.

Karnov and Joe-90 are thinking of making a run for it. Karnov is starting to lose strength. Joe-90 is making slow progress. Karnov gasps at him. “Water, water everywhere, yet not a drop to breathe!”

In the droid room, Niall is palming off floating weightless droids. Kory is twisting and turning and avoiding. Jimmi is taking a direct route to the doors, to the hangar and to safety. An astromech slams into Jimmi’s back, coaxing a howl of pain that echoes strangely in the room. Jimmi takes a shot at the door. It’s a good hit, but only makes a black score mark on its surface. Niall keeps shooting behind him. He indicates to Jimmi that they should switch. Jimmi obliges and starts shooting. Niall propels himself over to the door. He tries using the force to open it. Something or someone has tried to weld it shut. The doors wrench open at the bottom, making a small crawl-way.

“Any just impediment why Kory shouldn’t be going first?”

“No!”

“Off you go then.”

Unfortunately, for Kory there are two impediments hampering progress. Niall grabs at her and pulls her back. He gasps an explanation, but his voice is snatched away. Actions speak louder than words however, and he ignites the lightsabre. With a few deft strokes, chunks of the door spin away, their edges glowing in the darkness.

Rojic struggles up the ramp, his energy all but gone. Finally he manages to close the ramp, and he finds the re-compression switch. With the last of his strength he hauls on the lever. A hiss can be heard….Which dies a second or two later. Mama must never have recharged the gas canister! Rojic hasn’t the breath to curse her name. He makes his way to the cabins and opens a door. A blast of air throws him across the corridor, and into the wall. It isn’t much, but he manages a gulp of clean air. -Well it isn’t that clean, it’s his own cabin after all! However, with the gulp of air, his vigour renews. He grabs at the locker door to the pressure suits. His face falls as he realises that there are enough for the crew, but not one for someone of his stature. With a last gasp, he rips a breather mask off one of the suits and bites down on the mouthpiece. With trepidation, he twists the knob, and cool, stale air floods into his system. A few breaths later and he is dragging the remaining suits to the cargo ramp and draping them over Bertha the gun.

In the droid bay, the lightsabre has done its business. “Universal lock pick!” Niall indicates to his companions. There is so little air in here his voice dies before it’s out of his mouth. The effort of wielding the weapon is too much for him and his head slumps in a partial swoon. Jimmi is also looking in a bad way, with features looking strained and a face coloured a strange mix of blue. It is also tinged with green from Niall’s lightsabre. Kory has been saving her strength for another time. With a heave, she propels the other two forward into the hangar. They drift up upward and toward Storm Cutter, which is revolving in a lazy arc across the area.

Karnov and Joe-90 have stopped fighting. It’s sapping Karnov’s strength too much to continue. The atmosphere is blowing through the globules of the swimming pool that is starting to exit toward the lobby – and the library.
Karnov glances in Joe-90’s direction, and indicates that it is time to leave. He ducks his head into the largest mass of water, and his gills kick in immediately. After a few seconds, Karnov is filled with a resurgence of energy. He swipes his lightsabre at the remaining droid. “It’s in bits, sir!”

“Mine’s a peacekeeping role.”

“You can keep the pieces. But it’s time to go!”

Karnov sets off. He isn’t waiting for Joe-90 who is covering Karnov’s rear. –No sniggering at the back here please- Karnov makes it to the other door. Wrenching it open, he now has a good hundred meters or so to the hangar. He pushes off with his feet, and part crawls, part swims, part glides back toward the ship. Joe-90 follows at a slower pace. His communication indicator light comes on, but nothing is heard. Karnov is battling his way toward Storm Cutter and safety.

Coincidentally, Niall, Kory and Jimmi are there already. They look anguished at the ship and the closed ramp. Niall shakes a fist, his anger palpable from here. He mouths something about Rojic. Kory is in better shape, and manages to press the button for the ramp. It takes agonising seconds to descend. They take agonising seconds to ascend. They scramble up as their strength drains away. Rojic is panting weakly on the floor. Karnov brings up the rear, helping Kory. They untangle the pressure suits from Bertha, and press the valve for air. What little they get they suck up greedily, before donning the suits as best they can. Kory has expired, and has to be manhandled into her suit. Jimmi slams a hand on the ramp close button, and Niall tends to Rojic. His little body is all limp and floppy, his eyes bulging; the breather has lost its seal around his tusks! Niall calls on the force to save his crewmate. Rojic’s eyes flicker open.

After a few minutes, Rojic is still critical, but everyone else is reviving slowly. Kory manages to gasp “Punch it!” Niall obliges. Amanna has fled in his flyer, and Storm Cutter is soon dipping out of the hangar and away. Niall guns the engines, back to Kashyyyk. As soon as there is more pressure outside, he throttles back, and opens the cargo bay door. Fresh sweet air floods in. Soon they are all feeling better. Kory hands around pills to combat any side effects from the bends.

Rojic takes a dip in the bacta tank. The others all make snide comments about him while he can hear them but not do anything about it. After an hour or so, their discussion turns to the ship, and the events that unfolded within.

“It was a trap!”

“Just what the tadpole said.” Karnov observes.

“What tadpole?”

“Lance-corporal Ackbar. He’ll never make it to the spawning grounds never mind the academy.”

“Am I right in thinking that this Ackbar is a Mon Calamari?”

“You would be correct.”

“I heard he is a respected and bright officer. Destined for the top.”

“-Of the old-boy’s greasy pole, maybe.”

The others all snigger at what Karnov has implied.

“Is that the way to earn a promotion in the Republic?”

“One of them. The only other way is to get a posthumous award.”

“When I get one, remind me to go in person and pick it up!”

Niall is thinking. “Talking of traps, who set this one? Who hates us enough to hijack a ship, and lure us on to it? That Gungan, Amanna certainly was in on it, but who set us up?”

“What about the droid parts Karnov found on the bridge?”

“There’s an important clue there, if only we could put our fingers on it…”

“The droid parts. The parts of a droid. The droid bits that covered the note that said ‘run!’”

“That note, was it hand written?”

“No.”

“Then we’re out of clues. We’ll just have to wait until whoever it is comes to kill us again.”

Niall is not so sure. Joe-90 says, “If someone tries to kill you, you kill ‘em right back.” Then adds, “With extreme prejudice and a lemon juicer!”

“Thanks. That’s certainly advice we can all take to heart.” Kory says.

“Talking of heart, it was pretty heartless putting all those Gungan civilians off the ship, killing a few and the captain.”

“What’s your point?”

“You’d have to have a heart of stone to be so callous.”

They all look at Rojic for some reason. “No profit in you lot. You already owe me plenty.”

Joe-90 pipes up. “Heart of stone….Or maybe programmed not to care….”

This gives Niall an idea.

“I wonder….” He says, but his comments are drowned out by the music of the end credits.

NEXT EPISODE: "Where next?"

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Footnotes:

[ 64 ]   In the original (last week) the hangar was empty apart from the ships. In the special edition -after I bought some prop cannisters and crates- the hanger is dressed with interesting stuff to float around and get in the way.
[ 65 ]   The bait is wriggling, but the fish is dead.